[08 May 2005|07:28pm]
So. I said it. The truth shall set you free, and all that. Funny thing is, I don't exactly feel free or anything like that. Just tired. That's kinda funny, really, given that I just slept for eight hours. I wasn't running or anything, not really. It's just really very disturbing, knowing that now everyone knows that you were the one who wrote the riddle, you're the Seer that's been running around and that you're not nearly as insane as everyone thought, just very strange.

I am sorry about Quidditch though. It wouldn't have been a fair game, but I am sorry all the same.

I think this is the first time when I have so little to say. Strange.
55 comments|post comment

[01 May 2005|05:03am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Ever known something for ages and ages, and knowing that you couldn't tell anyone? And it's just really tiring keeping it, because you have to speak about it, and you can't talk about it, and I suppose it's the paradoxical nature of existing or what have you, but it's really hard all the same? And you want to say it, just to get it over and done with. You're tired of it all, and you're tired of pretending and you just want it said so that you can go on and live your life without it hanging over your head?

Probably not. Me neither. Should not write this while half-asleep. I write the strangest things.

Anyway, so other than my self-poseuring, which is probably horribly mawkish, but given that it's 5:00am and I really cannot bring myself to care, what else has happened? People were stupid, sure, but that happens every week. Not really noteworthy. Match's next week, but that's just a big looming thing that just got a lot less looming. It feels rather odd, being on the other side of this, you see. I kinda have a bit of empathy toward Weasley. A bit. Not a lot. It just seems really miserable to play against a team who probably won't want to be there. Kinda a disservice to the team, and to Adalia too. I mean, sure if we win we'll dedicate to her and all that stuff, but it doesn't quite mean the same. Even if the situations are so very different.

I can't really bring myself to pity Malfoy though. I know, turn the other cheek, accept all differences etc. I know that, don't parrot back my own religion at me. I just can't bring myself to. I remember Adalia's death and she didn't even do anything. She was visiting her family after a death in the family! And that's the thing. Mrs Moon didn't bring this on herself. Adalia didn't bring it on herself. Elke didn't bring it on herself. Draco Malfoy did and while I can sorta see why Pansy Malfoy (what do I call her?) is so miserable, and probably Mrs Malfoy too, but I can't feel sorry for Draco Malfoy. He's getting what he deserved -- which is a horrible thought, I know. I shouldn't think that either. But I do, and it's not going to change. There are just somethings you Do Not Do and that's one of them. There's a list of other things too, but I'm never going to convince people of that. It's kinda ironic really, a Hufflepuff preaching these ethics. I'd have thought it be a Gryffindor on the soapbox. Ah well. But I've gotten distracted again, and what was my point again? I know I had one. Oh yeah, that Malfoy's getting judged right about now and how I shouldn't be so satisfied about this, although I am. How this relates to ethics, I don't know. I suspect it was a very convoluted train of logic.

For some reason, I thought it a good idea to get some duelling practice in. I don't really know why I thought this a good idea, or why I decided to essentially blackmail The Boy Who Whinged for it, but at least I know he's not going to go easy, right? Or at least that's what the bruises tell me. Yes, this is in fact the time where you say that I'm an idiot. I know I am. I just don't care. The less said about the experiences the better, however the fact that I have bruises on the backs of my hands just reminded me of it. And yes, my fingers still work. And I know the scars are curious, but you can all get over that now before I hit you with something.

Ancient runes assignment is done! Bow down before me, mere minions, for I have finished the assignment, with almost all of my limbs intact! It's actually pretty cool, if you ask me. After all, how many of you managed to create a talisman that tells you if you're in mortal peril? None, that's what. We rock. Yeah, okay, so I'm giving Potter some credit here. He may be a total wanker, but he did put in the work to, and I'd feel bad if I claimed it all. This doesn't mean that I don't want to drop him in the lake, merely that the assignment is done and I am still alive. What? I thought it a notable achievement. My Arithmancy assignment still has me as having never existed, which I suppose could be rather depressing if I didn't already know that I did exist and I think I've got the Potions assignment under control. This doesn't mean that I won't be desperately trying to get the thing done the night before, but merely that I'm horribly arrogant too. This comes as a surprise? I always knew my arrogance was my worst trait. But....you guessed it. Don't care. It's too early to care.

In fact, if I wasn't so awake now, I'd go back to sleep. That's what I don't like about these journals. You start writing in them so that you go to sleep, and then you wake up further. It's bizarre.

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[24 Apr 2005|04:55am]
[ mood | anxious ]

Ever wake up from a dream and not know where you are? They're the worst, I think. Mainly because you don't recognise anything or anyone, merely that it's not what you're used to. And it's horrible, because it takes a while to realise that those strangers who are talking to you are really your dormmates, and that you probably shouldn't have hit them?

Yeah. Sorry.

So I can't sleep anymore, and I'm trying to be quiet on this, so that I don't wake anyone up. I probably should go down to the common room, but I don't really want to. I'll have to get up soon enough for breakfast, I suppose, and I don't want to get up before I have to. It'd be rude, you see, to make all the noise trying to get to the door in the dark, and I wouldn't want to do that to anyone. After all, just because I'm awake doesn't mean that everyone else has to be.

I'm told that I'm a little wound up about things. I think it's the fact that our assignments are due soon. I think I have the potions one down. I think. I mean, I've done as much as I can on it, I'm never going to be particularly brilliant at it, or even very good at it. But I'll finish off my Potions NEWT, and I'll have it, just to prove that you can pass the class on sheer hard work. Of course, I'll probably be a nervous wreck at the end, but I'll still do it. Arithmancy -- well, I still can't get a result. I don't appear in a reading, and I've demonstrated it in all ways I could think of. I suppose she can't fail me for something that's just idiosyncratic to me, right?

Because it's Ancient Runes, I'm going to give it a new paragraph. Yes, I did blow off all of my fingers on my left hand. Yes, that's what the scars are from. Yes, I was drugged during my last entry, which explains why I said a lot more than I thought I would have. No, I don't actually remember it all very well, it's all kinda blurred, and the potions blurred it more. No, I'm not going to give a repeat performance. That said, it worked. It works really well. Really well. I'm actually kinda a little scared of it. I can't throw it away, for one. I can always find it, and I suppose if I wanted to, I could find it's match. I suppose it's because I lost my fingers to make it, but it's very strange.

There's also the match against Slytherin soon, and while we're sure to win, I just want to make sure that we do it right. No pneumonia, no deaths, I just want a game where people don't collapse or die. It sounds so stupid, really. We've just had a bad run. We can win this next match.

Sorry guys. Didn't mean to trip over the stack of stuff. Whatever it is. I just had to move really quickly. Sorry I woke you up, and I'm fine, really! Just a little anxious, maybe.

18 comments|post comment

[16 Apr 2005|10:15am]
Justin, you were right. I shouldn't have cut corners. I especially shouldn't have cut quite so many of them. Especially not when you're working with someone who's practically a magical lightning storm. Ouch. Sorry, finger cramp. None of the muscles are sitting right yet, but I suppose that's because they're new. In fact, all of my fingers on my left hand are new -- they were getting grown back last night. Sorry if I worried everyone, but I suppose I should offer an explanation, if only so that people know what happened.

Basically, Potter and I were trying to get our assignment done. It didn't seem all that likely that we'd get it done in time, because it's really horribly complex and painful (it makes me dizzy trying to visualise it, and I'm good at that!) and so...we had to take a risk and do something that we were told was pretty risky. And we found out why it was so risky when we...kinda blew up a classroom! It was abandoned! No one was using it! Not that either Professors Sprout or McGonagall actually agree with us there. We were so not having a duel. For one, I don't think I'd ever be that stupid. Secondly, we blew up a classroom! I doubt that happens all the time in duels!

I don't remember what happened after that. I remember waking up and I had no fingers on my hand. Hands should have fingers, you know? I could see all the flesh and bone that makes up a hand through the holes where they used to be and it --

Sorry. I had to stop for a second. I'm actually dictating this you see, because my fingers don't work right at the moment. In fact, they're kinda weird. I've got fingers up to the second joint, but then there's nothing. Which I'm not going to look at. At all.

I don't think I'd make a very good Mediwizard somehow.

Anyway, so if anyone was wondering, this is where I was. Having my fingers grown back. I think Potter said we'd managed to pull it off. I sorta remember that. In the way that you don't really, but you remember the substance thereof.

Unlike everyone else, I obviously haven't been keeping to a study plan. I doubt I could have scheduled this in!
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[05 Apr 2005|12:13pm]
1. First draft of essay for Ancient Runes written;
2. Actually deciding on a potion for my Potions assignment;
3. Work out why I have no future for Arithmancy;
4. Complete Transfiguration homework;
5. Actually stay awake in Astronomy;
6. Practice duelling for practical component of Defence exam;
7. Kill Potter for being horribly alert in mornings. If Susan continues to speak in complete sentences, add her too;
8. Work out reasons behind nomination thing that sound reasonable and not something else;
9. Find socks;
10. Hold more Quidditch practices.

Thus far, I have accomplished none of these. Suspect that I need more sleep to do so. I've been trying to get this runic thing to work, and it's not. Do you know how often that happens to me? It doesn't. Ever. I can't even keep my hands steady enough to draw it and I forget what I'm doing and it just feels as though I'm looking through a lens at the world. A bad lens, at that. It's almost enough to encourage me to pick up a coffee addiction if only to stay awake.

Hannah's still being kinda militant, Ernie's gone nuts, Justin's running out of paper bags, Wayne's still shadowing people, Susan -- I don't know. I don't know what's going on there. That's so strange. Everything's really loud, you know? Really loud, but muffled. I can't work out words. I'm sick of being in Slytherin, even if it's only for mornings and to wear the uniform, because I don't like what it suggests. I wish people would stop instantly thinking that I'm Malfoy.

I wish I could stop complaining. I wish the world would stop. I want to catch up. Or get off, because I'm feeling sick. Metaphorical sick, I mean. Not actually sick. I just wish, and I shouldn't, because wishes are powerful, you know? You wish and you want and then you have it.
22 comments|post comment

[01 Apr 2005|03:16pm]
[ mood | weird ]

It's weird. And not a good weird. I liked the Hufflepuff colours. It was something that you knew was going to stay the same. It wasn't ever going to change, and even though things like your housemates going a lot strange and doing strange things, and schoolwork piling up and decapitated bodies and writing on the wall and all that stuff, some things remained the same. I would always wake up, knowing that I'd wake up, put in my school uniform (which is black and yellow) and go down and eat breakfast with my housemates. It's just one of those things that stayed constant, and now it's gone.

It just feels wrong, wearing green and silver. I know what Salazar Slytherin thought about muggleborns, and it feels like a betrayal to them to wear it. I know Susan is as well, however she at least has the bloodlines to get away with it. Great, now I'm going along with That Idea. I hate this. I can't believe that we have to do this. People keep giving me second looks as if they expect me to be someone else, and I'm not.

Professor Snape seems to find the whole thing utterly entertaining. If I didn't know he read these things I'd give my opinions on that too. Maybe if I go so against the whole idea of Slytherins being cunning and subtle and all that, I might get my old uniform back? Because I've been watching things, and the swaps aren't random. They actually reflect a lot about the person in question. I mean, if we take the recent swaps in to Slytherin, say, Susan's pretty subtle when she wants to be, Entwhistle's about as power-hungry as it gets, Potter's got ambition, but I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to learn from this. Because I'm not particularly ambitious, or cunning or even capable of keeping secrets indefinitely. I have a sneaking suspicion that while everyone else's means something, mine's just a colossal joke, designed to drive me absolutely nuts. Well, it's doing just that, so can we go back now?

Also, books don't make good things to sleep on. I slept on my potions books the other day, and it just didn't work for me. I don't know if it's because of school and assignments and quidditch and the other stuff that I do, but I'm just so tired lately. I suppose this is the last sign before I go completely nuts and kill everyone. Isn't that reassuring for you all?

76 comments|post comment

[23 Mar 2005|03:55pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

And so, the day begins. Well, actually, it doesn't, as it's been begun for some time now, but I just felt the need to write that. Don't ask. Anyway, so I've finally escaped from the clutches of Madam Pomfrey, THROUGH NO HELP OF ANYONE ELSE, and returned to class -- only to be met with a stack of homework that is taller than I am. I measured. It took a chair, and if anyone was curious as to what the loud crash was, that was me. Sorry.

Ankaa has decided that I haven't lavished enough affection onto her lately, so she's sitting on my books. It's better than having her rip up the books, so I'm teasing her with a feather. It's a transfigured sock and when she finally gets it, it'll turn back again. What? It's not that I'm a sucker for cats or anything, she just has this knack of being obnoxiously cute. Go figure. I still don't see the resemblence.

But, as mentioned above, homework. Lots thereof. Seriously, I don't know how you lot will be able to do all these extra-curricular activities because I'm going to have real problems with Quidditch, school, and other things. I don't think I'll ever sleep again -- and Pomfrey really has no idea when she says to take it easy for the next few days. How? It's not as if the stuff's going to go away, now is it? Seriously, taking a break is a stupid idea. I'll fail.

Not that I'm not going to fail anyway. I've decided to come to terms with this now, rather than waiting until the end and after the nervous breakdown that will come, realise that I've failed everything. Best to get it all out of the way now, so that I don't have to worry about it. However, coming to terms with this will be a long and difficult process, as I will try to not fail. This will involve studying, and if I snap at you during aforementioned studying, it's not personal. Unless it is.

33 comments|post comment

[16 Mar 2005|03:30pm]
There's a dead body in the school. With no head. It looks as though someone literally cut it off with something. Like a knife or a sword or something with an edge. But not too much of an edge, because I remember seeing that everything was all broken. As if someone had beaten them with a sharp brick or something, but that's what a sword is. They don't really have edges, they just bludgeon people to death really. Edges were useless against armour, so swords never had them. People always get that wrong.

We're supposed to stay in the Great Hall for the night. They think the murderer's still around. I don't think the body was murdered here. Someone would have heard something. There was no blood anywhere. There was just this body and Hannah screaming, and then the teachers pushing us away. There was something cut into his chest, I couldn't see it. I should have moved the shirt, seen what it was. But I couldn't touch him. I couldn't move, or speak.

I saw my grandfather die when I was about twelve. That wasn't so bad, he just looked asleep. But this guy had no head. It was gone. They haven't found it either. They don't even know who it is. The Aurors are all over the place. They keep asking us questions. I don't know the answers. I don't know if any of us do. But they keep asking them. Hannah's in the infirmary. Someone's crying. Maybe lots of someones. I can't really tell. They cancelled class because no-one was paying attention.

How did no-one see it? I was there this morning, before practice. Why didn't I see it?
50 comments|post comment

[09 Mar 2005|04:44pm]
I really should stop biting my lip in my sleep. It's nothing serious, I just seem to have picked up a habit of biting through my lip while asleep and it's rather messy. And quite painful too -- mainly because how do you explain "I don't know how it happened, it just did"? There needs to be a book on that sort of thing, because I'd really like to know.

Apparently though, I'm better with a ruined bottom lip, because I can't speak. Thanks guys. Your concern for my welfare overwhelmes me, really it does. Although I haven't woken up in strange places lately, so obviously I'm not sleepwalking. I'm just...chewing through my lip. Odd.

Anyway, so this project with Potter. It's interesting. By interesting, I mean total and utter hatred on both sides, refusal to communicate unless we absolutely have to and so forth. Oddly enough, the project itself's quite fascinating, and I'm getting perilously close to throwing myself into the research in exchange of my life. Sadly, I doubt that would go over all that well, but it's tempting! And it's better than class itself at the moment, because people just talk all the time. Don't they get that it's serious stuff here? I don't care about whatever they're talking about/writing about etc. I have a NEWT to get, and they can take it outside. It's rude.

I'm not melodramatic or paranaoid. I wish people would stop saying that I am. I have to be meticulous just to make sure that things happen as they have to. It's not like I'm obsessive or anything, I just know what the consequences are. And I'm not melodramatic, and if you think I am, you've not seen melodrama. So shut it already.

Also, my life is no longer my own. Who hands out a Potions assignment that is possibly the worst thing ever? I mean, we have to adapt a potion and it's going to be our introduction to the potion brewing community. I'm so screwed.
29 comments|post comment

[05 Mar 2005|07:17am]
[ mood | surprised ]

This probably sounds really stupid and all, especially with all that's gone on and all. But I received a letter from my uncle at breakfast this morning (Susan made me go). In amongst the usual "You never write regularly" and "Richelle and Susan write more often than you do -- and only one is a relative" and "Can you please write neater in letters" it turns out that my uncle proposed. To Louise.

Apparently they've organised the wedding during the summer break so that both Richelle and I can be there. Richelle's utterly delighted, going on about how she gets to be the flower girl or something. Apparently I have a role as well, although I much prefer the idea of standing in the back and propping something up.

But that's so weird. I mean, I expected it to happen eventually, she's been living in with Gareth since...well...I don't know, actually. Before I got there, anyway. So it should be expected and all. It's just...weird. I doubt I'll ever get used to calling her 'Auntie Louise', and really, at eighteen, shouldn't I stop doing that anyway?

Ernie's got something planned for this evening, and I should really go. I just can't decide whether I should, you know? It just seems so final. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust and that's all we are. I'm not sure I like thinking about it quite that way though.

38 comments|post comment

[02 Mar 2005|07:31am]
[ mood | nauseated ]

Happy birthday Susan. Sorry it's so miserable.

But that's not really the point of this. Professor Sprout told me that I was to apologise for what I've done. In review, there's a lot. Quite a lot, actually. So I'm doing it in alphabetical order. Just to make sure I got everyone.

I'm sorry to Hannah Abbott. Your job's harder enough without me as well.

I'm sorry to Susan Bones. For, well, everything.

I'm sorry to Kevin Entwhistle. I shouldn't have hit you. I definitely shouldn't have kept going. I shouldn't have continued this feud.

I'm sorry to Aurelie Escalle. I lied to you once. I lied very badly. You probably already know it. But I admit it.

I'm sorry to Justin Finch-Fletchley. You don't deserve all this.

I'm sorry to Daphne Greengrass. I shouldn't be such an intellectual snob. I can't help my genetics as much as anyone else. I shouldn't use it as a weapon.

I'm sorry to Wayne Hopkins. You don't deserve this either.

I'm sorry to Ernie Macmillan. I shouldn't be melodramatic. I shouldn't be petulant. I'm sorry I made your job harder.

I'm sorry to Aurelia Moon. I should have known what was going on. Things could have changed.

I'm sorry to Harry Potter. I should have attended the sessions. I haven't. I should have done the work you owled me. I didn't. I should have acknowledged the work. I didn't.

I'm sorry to Lisa Turpin. You're a truly noble soul. Don't take on my burdens in addition to your own. It's not fair.

I lied. One is going to be out of order. I'm sorry to Adalia Frantzberger. Not because you're dead. Everyone who knows me knows my beliefs on that. It's for an omission of truth.

72 comments|post comment

[24 Feb 2005|05:34pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

I woke up this afternoon and wondered where Wednesday went. I assume it went with Susan, though. Everything else did. It's not a request for pity or anything, it's just a statement. She must have.

I went for a nap after Ancient Runes and woke up just now. I don't know why I wasn't woken up, maybe I was, and I forgot about it? But I've missed my arithmancy class and normally I'd ask Susan for the notes, but she's not here. And she's going to ask me for them, and I didn't get them. I didn't get them or the ones in Ancient Runes or anything, there's these blank pages where I haven't written what I should.

There's this feeling of dislocation, I guess. I don't know why, though. Nothing seems right and now everyone's going to think that I'm being melodramatic. They can think that. I don't mind all that much.

I suppose...well, I don't know.

I'm not making any sense on this.

13 comments|post comment

[18 Feb 2005|12:33pm]
[ mood | angry ]

You all stare, did you know that?

You stare and say things like "I'm so sorry" when really what you're saying it "At least it's not me." How can you be sorry, you're grateful that it's not you that's dead. How can you say "I understand" when you haven't a clue. You don't. You don't understand, and the next person who says they do is going to have to get me pulled off them.

I'm sick of pretending that you do understand.

I'm sick of being stuck in here. I'm sick of not being allowed a certain distance away from the castle. The common room is stifling and we're not allowed to even attend the funeral. We had to go to school, and I had to pretend that sure, everything was just fine, don't worry about us, we're doing great.

I'm only doing this match tomorrow because I have to. Have your victory, Gryffindor. We don't care.

And Wayne, stop following me. If I wanted an entourage, I'd ask for one.

31 comments|post comment

[12 Feb 2005|07:28am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Well, courtesy of Miss Frantzberger deciding to share my private life around as though it is one of her tabloidal stories, I now have detention. And a black eye. The two are related, although I dare say that I'm a "meek little Hufflepuff". I don't do meek. It doesn't work well with me, and I have no idea what I'd do with the world when I had it. Due to the three fights I've been in thus far, I'd like to explain a few things to the temporally challenged amongst us.

I did not burn any witches or wizards for the simple reason that I wasn't born then. Even if I had have been born then, I would have been first up on the damned stake, so the next person who suggests that I should get on with it now in a twisted form of atonement will get hit. Again. Also, none of my close relatives did either. Considering that it took place over half a millenia ago, that's a tenuous relation. Considering that when you go back eight generations, we're all related (if distantly), I could claim the same of all of you. So chew on that, if you would.

Now normally I wouldn't care what a bunch of ill-educated, inbred idiots thought, except that more than one of these illiterate pricks reduced my cousin to tears. Well done. I have just spent forty minutes convincing her that no, we will not be going home because of some close-minded individuals who actually take delight in the fact that their mother is also their aunt.

Well done. You made an eleven year old girl cry. I hope you're all happy.

44 comments|post comment

[05 Feb 2005|06:01pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I never know where half this stuff comes from, the stuff I write, that is. I suppose it's cathartic or somesuch (although really, why would I want to regurgitate my life twice? Which reminds me, had better keep this short, else I'm going to be late) but it's just strange. Although, I suppose it means that I can find out what everyone else is doing, and they can do the same with me -- this is rather a confusing sentence, so I suppose I should stop. In fact, that entire paragraph wins when it comes to sheer rambling. I feel as if I have accomplished something deep and meaningful. Or maybe just confusing.

Anyway, the life of me. Right. What happened? Well, I broke an inkwell. I didn't mean to, it just happened. It was, however, rather messy. Although it didn't hurt at all -- well, it did, but it was just annoying, rather than anything more meaningful. Of course, now you're all going to think I'm quite mad, but so? Like that's any different. But anyway, it wasn't intentional, it was merely an accident that shouldn't happen again. I hope, anyway.

Continuing on, can people not make out in our change room? While I'm sure you're very comfortable with the idea -- I'M NOT. I've been told off again and again for that little debacle, a situation not helped by the fact that I spent most of the practice teaching people how to fall off brooms. Yes, yes, we play Gryffindor next. Do you really think that they won't cheat? After all, they do have a Cup to try and win back. Not that they will, but they can try, certainly. As such, being lectured while bruised and sunburnt is not fun, all rumours to the contrary, and I was spitting out grass all day. Which didn't make me all that popular. But really, Adalia? Did you necessarily have to do it there, where I could find out? I don't want to know! It's bad enough with Ernie's jokes!

Justin will be pleased to note that I will not be borrowing a certain thing of his, having finally bitten the bullet and bought my own version. Apparently it is creepy, disturbing and altogether far too much like me for Susan's liking. However, I'm sure I can deal with this, after all, I'm not so bad. Ankaa likes me, after all, and she's a discerning kitten.

Hogsmeade was fun. Susan climbed a tree. She's not very good at it, and this has to be corrected. What sort of person doesn't know how to climb a tree? I mean, that's just tragic. How can you live with yourself?

Research is going fine. Apparently no-one can read my handwriting.

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"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." -- Friedrich Nietzsche